A place where true self exists

Anger

2010-09-16T21:51:00.002+08:00

It has been a long time since I wrote this blog . I have been busy with school and internship . Tomorrow is actually my last day at Smit Singapore . Eveything has been great but one thing that spoilt my day was the meaness of one of my colleague . Bloody ang moh . Guess what he did ? I had to pass some sweets down . Rita was there and that darn ang moh was behind her . Between the 2 , of course I chose the less evil of the 2 . I asked that ang moh politely to pass down the sweets and he refused !!!! What crap ! After a few minutes of la la zhe zhe , someone was nice enough to help me pass it down . I was so furious and upset . I felt like I was being humilated since the whole 2nd half of the bus was like looking on at the drama . Can you imagine what others would think ? This girl is so darn cheap , trying to seek the attention of an ang moh . I was so pissed I complained to his friend

Guess what , that darn ang moh's friend told me he did not mean it and only meant it as a joke. A joke ?? you kidding me ? I can swallow that explanation if he did refuse to help me once or twice . but refusing 3 to 4 times . Even if you meant it as a joke , pls you have been here for what ? A year? Dont tell me you dont understand the culture here . No matter how westernised an Asian is , he is still brought up the Asian way , by doing what he did , he has effectively humilated me ! I am so pissed off . If he doesnt give me a reasonable explanation and an apology personally , I am going to F him upside down and make sure that he doesn't get to see Smit Rotterdam ! I am still very pissed .

SALE SALE SALE

2010-01-27T11:02:00.003+08:00

AM selling a couple of stuff to clear my cupboards for new designs that I am making . All are brand new and in good condition.

Unique Shell Necklace @ $35

Ceramic and roses @ $12

Remember my name !

2009-12-26T01:06:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for me to defy the laws of society and just do something wild , something that I really love . I do not know what I want . But what I carve is power and money . I want to be powerful . I want to have influence and I want money . Lots of money to throw at those who deem me useless . Thats what I want . I want to throw money at them . To rub it in their faces . I want to be able to say , I have the cash , I have the power so what if you thought I was not good for you . I am now better , infact I am now too good for you . Buzz off . money money money . It makes the world go round . Power Power power , it makes a person goes heady with glee . And on top of that , when you think of power and money , remember my name and what I have become . Also remember and regret till your heart shatters the way you treated me . Thats what I want . money and power

night before xmas

2009-12-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

It's gonna be christmas tomorrow ! am gonna go to church XD hahahaha Unfortunately for me , while others are on partying the night away , I am gonna greet the arrival of xmas with my homework . sigh .. sigh ...

Damn it !

2009-11-18T11:18:00.002+08:00

damn it damn it damn it !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate all these quarrels that the elders keep having . WHy cant they stop attacking each other verbally ?????? I dont care if they do it all the time but cant they at least stop when I was doing my psychometric test ? See , now I cant even finish the test !!! Damn IT !!! they ruined my chances of getting into credit suisse !Sometimes I wish they would just shut up . Pls , even people who get hanged also need a breather , can't they stop arguing for an hour or so ? Gosh , the next time i do a psychometric test , i must make sure that both of them are MIA from the house . It's so irritating !! Damn it !!

upset upset !!!!

2009-09-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

I am so so so upset . That aunty from blk 440 stole my things again . And this isnt the 1st time la ! SHe stole my undies , my flower pot , my basin of clothes, my shirts and now she come and steal my notes !!!! WTH la . I was so so mad that I gave a call to the police . They came , took my statment and left . I was so so mad . I told my mom ,she steal 1 time , I report 1 time . Damn bloody angry la . I needed the notes desperately to revise for 2nd year . STUPID STUPID AUNTY !!!!! now I have to get my notes from the other guys . What a mess ! argh ! tupid aunty . Dont let me see her , if not i 'kill' her . WTH .;(

stuff

2009-09-08T12:22:00.000+08:00

I never knew what I would get when my results came out . Firstly , I was convinced utterly that I would have to repeat my year again since I would have failed economics. Apparantly it was better than expected . The only thing would be that I failed my maths 2 and stats 2 . It was rather disappointing because I never expected to fail those subjects , most particularly stats . I mean i was rather good in stats . How could I fail it ? It seems that I have to repeat my failed subjects . The upside is that I can improve my marks to a upper second . but the downside is that I have to discipline myself and pay a few hundred bucks ( which i most assuredly cannot afford) in the process. I would say that that is a really expensive lesson . But what can I do ? At that time , I really regretted allowing myself to fool around during the school year . I should have concentrated more on studies and less on tuition snd play . Gosh ....now the only thing I can do is just to take 1 step at a time . I am actually determined to prove myself with the completetion of my course . By graduating with 1st class or 2nd upper , I am actually proving to myself and most importantly the world that I am capable of doing anything if I set my mind to it ....only by doing that will my bro not look down on me , will my relatives see me as less than what I am actually am .This is the way of the world . Proving oneself to the audience . I am the actor . I set the scenes yet I have to cater to the taste of the audience . How laughable .

Hungry Ghosts Festival

2009-08-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

Today is the 1st day of the Hungry Ghosts Festival . Everywhere , people are burning offerings to the spirits that have been released from the gates of hell . It is a familiar sight that Singapore beholds and if one were to step into Singapore at that time of the year , the smell and sight of these would leave a memory is the minds of such tourists . For me , it is the time of the year when it is important to try and reach home before dark . According to the elders , the yin energy will increase drastically especially after dark . To me , it is better to be safe than sound . After all , not very nice to invite 'friends' home . The way that singaporeans celebrate the hungry ghosts festivals is one is a sight that is familiar to behold and one that i am unlikely to forget no matter where I am .

thoughts

2009-08-05T23:14:00.000+08:00

I havent been blogging for a rather long time . But that was because I was busy with some stuff XD . The goldfish hasnt been online much . And I am missing him loads . What has happened to you goldfish ? haiz ... anyways , I did something really impulsive . I volunteered myself to be a buddy for the kids that are coming by to St Mary's in 2 weeks . I didnt exactly think . I was like oh this is so cool . and before I knew it , I signed myself up . Gosh . How impulsive can i be ? But oh well , see what becomes of it lor . 1 step at a time . haiz . XD

Just an idea

2009-06-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

ophelia and I were thinking about our future couple days back . And in relation to the series of articles on abandoned pets . We decided that what we wanted to do in the future was to come up with a pet shelter that take in all unwanted pets . Like an orphanage , this pet shelter will work the same . We even thought of a name for our shelter : Second Life . We felt that it would be meaningful since by taking in these unwanted pets , we are in a way giving them a second chance at living . Many pets that have been abandoned by their owners die due to their inability to adapt to the harsh conditions. Our plan would be to collect these pets and allow others to 'rent' them for hourly or daily . We also plan to use these pets to help some people in terms of animal therapy .We could even use them in cases of planning parties and stuff . It would be fun!! Furthermore , for those who do not want their pets , they do not have to abandon them , instead they can sell their pets to us at a value that is determined by the state the pet is in ( appearance , grooming etc ) . After buying these pets , we will ensure that the pet is trained in all ways and has the chance to adapt to its new enviroment before putting it up for sale . In such ways , the pet has a chance to find a new home. We will send our pets to all pet shops . We hope that this will gain such a response such that the pet shops will soon have 70% '2nd hand pets' and 30% new pets . This will result in lesser pets being abandoned . But unfortunately for us , this is only an idea , a hope since we do not have the capital and support to start out on our own . We will only be able to start this thing in maybe 10 years down the road? from now till 10 years later , many abandoned pets will lose their lives , but what to do ? we can only console ourselves that we will be able to prevent a larger amount than these animals that will lose their lives in this 10 years period if we implement such an idea . no matter how late it is .

CC and TG

2009-06-27T23:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I just wondered what happened to the clezio and Troy . I havent seen them in a while and I just find myself wondering how they are now . Clezio has been busy with work and troy being troy has been MIA for like quite a while . Although I have nothing much to talk to Troy , I feel that he's a rather humorous but quiet guy and he has his own way of cuteness. hahaaa ...but I do really miss them . but oh well ..haiz ...let destiny decide bah .

thoughts

2009-06-27T23:29:00.002+08:00

I finally got my driving license yesterday ! you know , I was so sad before I got the results because I thought I failed. the tester was telling me my faults and I did not have the mood to listen . I was so so disappointed because I had thought I failed. BUT I PASSED!!! And I was so so glad . I was grinning like a fool and thanking the tester . I was so happy . I finally got my license !! Even though mom and bro contributed to most of my driving lesson fees , I contributed to about a 1000 bucks for the fees. I was so ecstatic that I got the license because in a sense it was a great achievement for me . I finally finished something that I started off with . Next up , would be french lessons for myself ! XD I wanted to learn ballet but I figured that at my age , I would most likely injure myself . Dont talk about the injuries that I had from tennis and ballet , taking up ballet again may add on to these injuries again . haiz . so french it shall be . today , I went for an interview with AISEIC. Hopefully I got in cos it was something that i am really interested in . but oh well, god will decide XD if it's mine it will be mine . After that , I went to give tuition and then I went off to visit utsav and neha . Neha cooked this really great potato patty and utsav cooked some soup . We had dinner together and it was fabulous . Maybe I was tired and we were all tired cos we didnt talk much . But sometimes , I wish there was someone else to join us cos I sometimes feel a little out of place when the 2 of them disappear into their own little world . But oh well .. I love them XDD so yea ....i put up with it hahaha. anyways , am home now and somehow I am grateful for the blessings that god has showered upon me . Friends, Family , Love , achievements. I guess in some ways , I am luckier than others. And I am grateful for that .

love him , love him not ? I think i do but i dont know

2009-05-29T11:17:00.002+08:00

I am in a fix. sigh ..should I let him go or continue being his friend ? He is really a man of few words . No matter how I try to talk to him , he either replies or don't . I feel as if I am some cop interrogating a crimminal . But , out of all the guys I know, he is the only one that fits the astrologer's description of my future hubby . Although , I am supposed to meet him later in my life (for work purposes i guess) and start dating and get wed . The description that he gave is so uncanny . It fits him totally . I can't imagine that there's another guy in the whole wide world with the same description . The astrologer said that he or rather my future hubby would be big sized , loves to eat , of certain wealth and status and is from the USA . As to the race and age , he doesn't know . Yet , T is one person who seems to fit all of the qualities that he had listed . He's big sized (broad shoulders , broad chest) , he loves to cook and eat and he's an accounts manager for a certain reputable company(that means he's of certain wealth and stature), and best thing is he's from the USA. Considering my nature of study , the finance industry is rather small so it's with 70% probability that I would meet him . Most companies work with the company he's working for . that's the thing. And the thing is that he somehow makes me feel more secure and I rather like him .but he is a very private person due to the things that he went through and all . sigh ...it's rather difficult talking to him . he's like a bloody clam . u ask a question , he likes it , he answer u else he doesn't .haiz...so the question is to forget about him or to keep perservering ? I am truly in a fix . And best thing , my mum doesn't know about this and she's already shooting the ceiling since she thinks i am talking to men on the internet when technically the only guys i spoke to were Troy , Alex and Clezio. If she knows about Troy , she will definately shoot to the sun and back .XC

yesterday

2009-05-26T22:58:00.003+08:00

yesterday night , my bro brought his ex and her parents to our house . And guess what time they came to 'visit' us ? At 11pm ! This is preposterous ! Anyway, I suspect that my stupid fool of a bro wanted to get back with her so they came to 'clear' up the misunderstandings(or not) between the girl and our family. Can you believe their guts ? I definately can't . hah. And the best thing was that they came without telling us ! How rude ! Anyways , the dad was a rather nice person but the mom ...ewww how vulgar ! she wore 'gold' bangles up to the elbow and the way she talked ...like her daughter is the one who is innocent of all wrongdoings ..eww..she irritate the hell out of me . I see her already I want to slap her upside down ! And the girl , guess what she told my dad? ' I can't help it that it's our generation gap so it's alright if i call jacob a bastard !' Can you believe that ? OMG ! Anyways i am off to bed ....i hope they dont come back again ! XD btw , I spent the night talking to the goldfish . And he was so so cute . hahaha XD thats a story for another day XD

in a fix

2009-05-21T23:34:00.003+08:00

Guess what , I haven't spoke to clezio for a few days and i sorta miss him and his ways .weird huh? But the weirder thing was that I just spoke to Troy a couple minutes back and even though we didn't exactly speak much , I found that somehow , even though I had sort of gone on with my life , I had missed him . Now the crunch is , who do I like better? Troy or clezio ? I like Troy because he is mature , steady and he makes me feel safe ...erm safe? I dunno it's that feeling inside of me . But I like Clezio because he makes me laugh , he keeps me entertained and he talks loads of crap and he is cute in a way ...both are like night and day . you could say that clezio is the fair cute guy that likes to laugh and Troy is the fair handsome brooder. Who do I choose ? I love both guys ! But which one is my special one ? Argh..

clezio

2009-05-05T12:01:00.002+08:00

I find I rather like clezio . He is so different from the rest of the other guys ..but hehe ... the thing is that I do not know if he likes me . You know if I suddenly blurt out that I like him and he doesn't treat me as anything more than a friend , I will feel so mortified ! sigh... I will settle this on the 16th after my exams ...for now , it is jia you jis you !

Richard Gere comes to lecture

2009-04-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

Yesterday and Today , I had banking and finance lessons with a certain Mr Jason Laws. The lessons were very enlightening . I felt that I learnt a lot from the 2 days . Actually , the lessons were much more enjoyable since Mr Laws structured them differently from most of the other lecturers . The lessons were much more interactive. In fact, I felt like I learnt more than in the local classes. Wow. Of course , to make the lessons more bearable was the good looks of Mr Laws. He is really good looking . In fact , if you guys want to know how he looks like , think Richard Gere, he looks like him .exactly like him , if not handsomer , if there's such a word. And I dont have a crush on him or something .He's really that cute . I wouldn't mind if I had a date with him . hahah . It is true , I almost fell down the steps when I first saw him . Hahaha . I thought I saw richard gere for real . but he's really cute . And it just brightens up my day in school when i see him for lecture . I mean it's not everytime you get a handsome professor for classes you know . hahaha and i hope to get him next year too. hehe. XD

thoughts

2009-04-08T23:50:00.003+08:00

Oh heck ! Havent been speaking to Troy for a rather long time . You could say that we have finally broken up and then again some could say that we havent since the 3 words' let's break up' have yet to be uttered. hmm... I rather like him but if he's meant to be the guy which i think he is then i am sure we will meet again in 5 to 10 years . that is if the astrologer is right . hahah .but we shall see shan't we ? I must say though , it was rather good being single again . Even though the status is unofficial . XD

Missing troy

2009-03-25T00:23:00.002+08:00

JAC misses Troy somehow. I will just get over it soon .At least i hope i will . Who knows how god damn long it is going to take sigh ...hehe. For now , it's back to studies !!!Concentrate concentrate . think books just think of books and not a certain mr T . god damn it !

Missing troy

2009-03-08T22:10:00.002+08:00

Somehow someway , I miss Troy . I mean, I really dunno how , it's just that i miss him. Terribly .it's like a tug at my heartstrings...I just dunno but I just miss him ..sigh..if only he was with me now. that would be so great.

D day - driving

2009-03-03T08:38:00.002+08:00

Am afraid that i would fail driving today . pray that god help me pass this test that i will always feel wholly unprepared for no matter how many lessons i seem to take . Sigh

2009-02-22T12:31:00.001+08:00

ENFP - The Champion
You scored 55% I to E, 5% N to S, 48% F to T, and 58% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

Missing troy

2009-02-21T17:45:00.002+08:00

Somehow , I miss Troy . But somehow again , I know if I don't voice out my feelings , the relationship that we have will not be a relationship. It would be just a sham . But then again , I can't help myself but miss him right ? sigh ... Hope to see him up again ...

The enegram test

2009-02-21T13:17:00.002+08:00

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test ...

5 - the Observer
Thanks for taking the test !

you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE (aka "The Thinker").

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

Be independent, not clingy.
Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
don't come on like a bulldozer.
Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.
What I Like About Being a FIVE

standing back and viewing life objectively
coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
not being caught up in material possessions and status
being calm in a crisis
What's Hard About Being a FIVE

being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally
FIVEs as Children Often

spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
have a few special friends rather than many
are very bright and curious and do well in school
have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected
FIVEs as Parents

are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
Harper SanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

silence : the meaning

2009-02-20T12:42:00.002+08:00

well...I think the silence says it all . He doesn't want to accept what I expect of him or he's just thinking it through . Frankly , I was thinking that maybe he is not ready to open up . so yea...maybe I will give him a few more days and then we will see. But oh well.. it's up to god's will also . Can't help it...but wonder if I had really screwed things up with him though .lols

2009-02-18T11:42:00.002+08:00

I was just thinking if i ever get into nus and hku , which i should go ..i really dont know . hopefully i dont have to choose heh

lost

2009-02-18T11:25:00.002+08:00

it seems funny you know. I was listening to enrique's insominac and I came by his 'do you know' and ' little girl' song and somehow i think of alex. yea. it seems weird I am now in a relationship with troy and i cant seem to forget another guy . I keep thinking of alex . it's like everytime troy says something , I just keep thinking if it was alex , he would have said this or that . I am actually rather confused . When i speak to alex , i feel happier than when i speak to troy but as you know , my mum will definately flip if she hears that i like alex since he's 1 year younger.. argh.it's not as if we started off in a relationship but yea...I like all the other guys . I have something special for someof them but troy is the one that i feel really special towards. I just feel like i want to just kiss away his hurts and protect him from the world but if you talk about happiness , I feel happier with alex than troy . maybe I am not giving troy the time he deserves since the time i spent with alex is longer than with troy . I really dont know. it's like there are so many guys in my heart and troy is the one who i like. but alex is still the 1st guy in my heart. maybe i should just break up with him but then again maybe i should give him an opportunity to win my heart. i guess that's what come out of associating yourself with too many guys , stupid gal!

2009-01-30T22:08:00.001+08:00

Myspace Graphics

2009-01-27T21:49:00.000+08:00

Funny thing ...but I miss alex....

renewed hope

2009-01-26T01:59:00.002+08:00

After speaking to alex just now , my hope in being able to call for change in the political system is renewed. Seems that alex is into politics too! haha.. well..I actually thought that maybe it might be next to impossible to change the mindset of the people and call for change in the party ..but well..after speaking to alex ..seems like both of us are reaching for the same goal ! So i am glad to know that there's some sort of partner with me . My hope in being able to achieve this is renewed .

2009-01-23T12:47:00.001+08:00

Your Fireworks Say You're Original

You are chaotic, inspired, and very creative.

You're so creative, people don't really recognize your creativity.

What's expressive for you sometimes looks like a mess.

But you don't really care... you enjoy making your messes!

The Fireworks Test

crappy stuff

2009-01-20T23:03:00.002+08:00

Recently , I came across this guy from the US on Tagged. Interesting profile . He claims that his parents were divorced and his dad who had custody of him treated him badly . Apparently , he had been scarred by his childhood. The interesting thing was that I felt I could relate to him on those feelings ..partly because of the recent or not so recent incident that I went through . Spoke to this guy but found him rather interesting in that he doesn't seem to trust people ..weird...but never mind...that puzzle can be solved another time . Back to read the 'Barings scandal'....

stuff

2009-01-17T00:57:00.002+08:00

Have been busy ... trying to prepare for exams. I felt so good after that 1 tearful chat with shan...thanks a lot shan . Havent been able to get up to it but hopefully I will get around to really revise for the exams. =) Driving test is on 3/3/09 . wish me luck . I have finally completed my on the road training .. next week , I am going to learn the crank course in the circuit and all . Yesterday , I tried an impromptu parallel parking with my instructor in the car . I managed to prak of course . And I was so proud of myself. haha ... hopefully I will get my license in March =)

dunno

2009-01-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

I am sitting here in the living room trying my best to finish up my PBF assignment . In the background , my parents are quarreling . My bro's went abroad , my sis is in camp so there's only me ..sigh.. this has been going on once every few days since 14th May , Mother's Day . Since the day we discovered that my dad had a relationship with the maid . sigh . I knew that ever since I decided to go to SIM , my university studies would never be easy . But I never knew that it would be this difficult . Add on the study - work commitment that I have , the other commitments I have , I have my parents screaming and shouting at each other every few days . I never knew that it would be this difficult . ever since we found out that my dad had commited adultery , I just can't focus on my studies . I know I have to study but I just can't I just can't . There are times in which i forced myself to sit down and study and yet ..I just can't study . God help me, but I just can't study . And now..exams are coming ..I am just so so afraid . And I just don't know ...If it weren't for some friends around me , I fear I would have gone mad. I am half mad as it is . Everytime they quarrel , I would sometimes wonder if maybe I am the cause of all the pain shown on my mom's face . My mom said that she never blamed me for finding out the relationship my dad had with the maid ..but there are times when the thought drifts unbidden into my mind that they as in my parents and my siblings hate me for what i have done . And the hate my parents feel for me is more than what my siblings feel for me .my mom because of the pain and hurt that she had to face . my dad because he's faced with the accusations my mom threw at him and the fact that his relationship has been broken up ...I don't know what to think anymore , I just don't know ..how to force myself to focus on my studies....

thoughts

2008-12-23T00:46:00.002+08:00

I just got back from the PAP meet the people's session. As usual, there were many people who came to seek help from the MP . I handled many traffic offences and people seeking help for financial assistance. But what strike me the most was this father who came to seek help for his daughter's case. This was a father who went all the way out to nab the guy who could have possibly harm his daughter before the wedding . He searched for lawyers , asked for help to obtain the medical report . This was a father who I felt the love he had for his daughter. It has been interesting working at PAP . In fact , I am sure I learn a lot of skills from the experience and the people there. I have just been invited to join the RC as their member. Am looking forward to it . i now have a goal to work towards to and that is to pick up the sword for the underdogs and fight their cause. I love this job thst i sm doing and hope to continue with it ..=)

2008-12-04T23:01:00.000+08:00

Typing my personal statment to HKU now. After this , all of it would be in God's hands. Hopefully , I will be able to get in because I really want to go to HKU. haiz...

thoughts

2008-11-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

I am done with the emoing and all.. At least I am more sure of it than the last time. Couple days back , Wicky passed me Ophelia's AMC certificate.Gave me a lift to lot one. As Usual , Mr nice guy.haha...but was rather mad at MH ( MathsHub , although I am rather used to calling it mental hospital , considering all the mental torture that I am subjected to )cos wicky told me that the reason I was deprived of an afternoon of massage and rest was not because of his kaypohness but because of Anna .If I had known earlier , I would have just gone down and taken it myself. I hate it when my friends are used as postman . And I hate it even worse when they are bullied and I can't do anything. But oh well... heck...I ain't going to see him again anyway..So, anyway, emoing and all are done. have been busy preparing for my application into the various unis and all...actually to tell you the truth , I haven't exactly decided whether to transfer over or not. But it's ok ..1 step at a time. my goal now is to do my best and get 1st class . now talking about that , I have this weird thing going on in me. 2 voices. both encouraging but 1 voice tells me to go well so that i can destroy MH and make Candy and gang bankrupt . the other, telling me to do my best because that would pave my future. that's cute. 1 negative, the other positive .like batteries...hehe..Anyways...we shall see how they go..maybe they will fight...or not? haha..

The 1 thing that gave me sunshine

2008-11-02T22:16:00.001+08:00

The one thing that gave me sunshine in this otherwise tragic and gloomy day was the fact that I passed my final evaluation today. It was my first try and I only practiced for an hour to familiarise myself with the questions. I passed it. Amazing right? It just shows that I am smart. But other than that, it was a simply gloomy and tense day. haiz...

hot war turns cold

2008-11-02T21:24:00.001+08:00

Today , I felt as if I had gone back in time to the 1970s when the USSR was still in existence. The time when the world was embroiled in tense relations which we now recognise as the Cold War. One night changes everything. This morning , I woke up to silence. For those of you who knew how fustrsted I have been the past few days due to all the quarreling that my parents were having, this silence should be a godsend to me. However, this was not to be. My day has just gotten worse. My parents are now engaged in cold war. Cold war .. I just couldn't care so long as it doesn't affect me but my dad made his unhappiness known in an unpleasant way . And I just dunno what to do or say. Serious. He purposely leaves the house in a mess, feed my fish (I didn't even ask him to touch my fish!) so much when he knows that doing so would cause their death ( he was the one who told me so !)and even switches on the television when we are studying and the study table's in front of the tv! I mean all these actions just make me hate him even more. And he thinks by doing so , he could bring me over to his side ? DOn't be stupid ! I just hate him. Simply hate him. I hate him for causing all this problems, for making it so difficult for me to study. I can't concentrate on my work . In fact , what with all the times they drag me into their fights , I can't even put my head to the books! Ijust hate him! Can't he at least spend a thought for me? I need to do well so as to be able to pay my loan. Why can't they just leave me alone? Anyway, enough of these. Their hot war became cold war and the atmosphere is so tense at home that you just dunno when the time bomb would explode.It's scary. And tiring.waiting for the next strike. This is even worse than yesterday. Not knowing what ruthless measure that old man is gonna take. I dunno how much I can stand this. I just feel so fustrated , so stressed I just dunno how long I can stand this. I really dunno...

one of their fights again

2008-11-02T02:06:00.000+08:00

My parents just had a fight today. Basically it was the same old story of my dad being unreasonable and my mum trying to pry out answers from him. He even went to the extent of almost laying his hands on my mum. That was super scary but thank god it was a close shave . He didn't beat her up in the end. phew.. don't want to have to have blood on my hands you see... As I mentioned in my earlier posts, my mum went to the law firm to get a DOS and my dad agreed in front of the family and his sister to sign this DOS provided it is only activated when he commits another adultery . There is a clause in the DOS that states so. However, today, he changed his mind and declared that he would never sign the DOS. He even told the family in the face that he doesn;t regret his actions of committing an affair . Furthermore, the reason he commits this affair was because of the family. Amazingly , this is the 3rd time that he committed an adultery and somehow, this is the same reason. I still can remember the day when I was around 2 or 3 years old when I caught my mum in her room sobbing to herself . The reason as I later found out a few years later was because of an affair that my dad committed. That day , I was young. I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could do then was hug her.But that day stays forever in my mind. Today, history repeats itself. I could do something about it now. I went to seek legal advice . I introduced my mum to a lawyer who's my friend's mum . I consoled her , gave her advice and all. But somehow, I always felt that I don't seem to be doing enough . That this problem doesn't seem to be solved no matter what I tried to do. While, I am trying to solve this crisis , inside of me , I really feel helpless. Sometimes, I just want to sit down and cry because no matter how much I try to do , it just doesn't seem to be of any use. Somehow, I am back to the day when I was just a kid trying to figure out how to solve this problem. This fight is just not getting better and it always always make me feel so emotionally vulnerable . I can't tell anyone my sorrows . Imagine just saying , hey my dad just had an affair and i aint feeling too good about it. care to lend me your shoulder? People would think i am insane. I can't just hug anyone and cry because there's no one!! My brother just doesn't care and nobody seems to know what I am going through . I just wanna cry . This episode has caused me to be so insecure ,to be unable to trust. I feel all twisted up inside and I just don't know. When I just can't stand it , I just curl up in a corner of my room and just cry . If this goes on, I swear I am going to go insane from all their quarrels and from all these emotions twisting inside. I can't stand it anymore. I really can't ....

2008-10-31T00:38:00.001+08:00

What Your Love of Peanut Butter Cups Says About You

You are hedonistic... sometimes to the point of being greedy.

You love to eat, and there's no chance you're sharing your candy!

While you may be greedy, it's with good reason. You have great taste.

The things you love are worth loving, and it's no wonder you crave them.

What Does Your Favorite Candy Say About You?

2008-10-31T00:38:00.000+08:00

What Your Love of Peanut Butter Cups Says About You

What Does Your Favorite Candy Say About You?

slapping myself upside down

2008-10-26T01:10:00.000+08:00

Shit oh shit... I have no idea why . I thought I have gotten over him or what but it seems that I haven't Somehow or other, these past few days , I have been missing him . Jerk. All guys are jerks . Why does this have to happen to me at a time when I am having a break from tuition and can concentrate on my studies. haiz...sometimes I just simply hate myself for thinking of him . I mean he obviously has forgotten about me and stuff. So why am I still thinking of him ? It's stupid...Anyway, went for driving lesson on Friday and found it was rather fun! I could turn around the bend after a couple of rounds round the circuit. And I was so proud of myself!! haha. Another thing I was proud of and not so proud of myself was that on Thursday , I got back my Statistic test paper. I was so happy cos I scored full marks and it has been a long while since I scored full marks for anything . However, I am not so proud of myself because the first thing that I did was think of what he would say to this and the worst thing was that I even smsed him. Stupid stupid me! Sometimes, I am smart , sometumes i am not and sometimes , I am too smart for my own good. Haiz..but then again, he seems to be avoiding me. stupid.. all guys are jerks . Cant we even be friends? Dont let me see him else I will slap him upside down!! Idiot! I didnt even say that I like you, why the heck are u avoiding me?stupid. Idiot.:( Better not let me see you...Pooh...If you wanna talk to me , you better apologise! but it seems useless..even if he doesnt apologise , i dont seem to mind..haiz..

Gossip gal -cant believe it (Mr W)

2008-10-21T00:03:00.000+08:00

OMG !! OMG!! Guess what , I accidentally chanced upon a testimonial that a friend , W wrote to his ex girlfriend and oh my gosh! It was so mushy that I just couldn't believe that it was him! I mean he's the kind that like so shy , so serious you just don't expect that he's the kind of person to you know say this kind of mushy stuff and even on friendster... wow...I never knew that he could be so daring as to say this kind of thing + eyes open+ +mouth drop+. I guess the phrase 'never judge a book by its cover ' is true in this aspect. I never expected a person like W who is so calm ,stable , boring etc. to be so passionate. I mean I just dont expect it of him. + shake head+ If I want to be bad , I would say he's stupid to make himself so vulnerable ,opening himself up to jeers and taunts and teasing that are sure to come .Also he's letting the girl hurt him should she wish to break up with him. maybe that's why he seems so shaken from the relationship with his ex girlfriend. Just dont wanna talk about it because it affected him really badly that kinda of thing. hmmm...but if i am nice, i would say he's a devoted lover.And I would love to have such a guy as my bf. In fact , I envy his ex for having him as a bf once. But oh well, you know , the only thing I can do is hope that this kind of guy would appear for me one day ..haha.. but there's one downside to having this kinda guy as a bf . That is breaking up is never an easy thing. So if I ever get this kinda guy as my bf , he had better be my last bf else I will be in big trouble.Haha.. I still cant believe what I saw. Just got to get used to this new aspect of my friend

thoughts

2008-10-18T00:12:00.000+08:00

Went down to the law firm today with mom to get the deed of separation (DOS). When I saw the DOS , I realised how powerful this document is. 1 word from either party and this DOS is activated. Somehow , this DOS brought the old fears nagging back to me.If I didnt say anything , maybe it wouldnt come to this , i mean after all : ignorance is bliss. maybe , if i had controlled my impulse, maybe if i had not been so stupid and opened my mouth maybe.. maybe maybe maybe...and somehow the emotional turmoil within me just washed over me and I feel my heart ache at what may or maynot happen . The future is so fragile. No one knows what's gonna happen and i feel that its all the more so for me. If the DOS is activated , then what will happen? I dunno I am for once helpless and lost in this storm . Wicky once said that I am too smart for my own good. It was meant as a joke to counter my self-praise but I think maybe that remark was right for once. I am too smart for my own good. Seriously, so smart until an action I thought was good turned out to have such disastrous consequences. Life is so weird huh? 1 press to a button and my life turns upside down . 1 word and my life is shattered to pieces. I am too smart . A small action with a big impact . Usually , the smallest actions have the greatest impact . hah.Sometimes , I wonder if maybe all these people were right. I was the hand that caused things to come to such a pass . I was just too smart for my own good . I dunno. Just seeing this DOS brings all the uncertainities and fears back. And the thought of it makes me feel helpless. What to do ? What to do? I dont want to go through that pain and emotional stress that I experienced at the start of the year. I just dont know what to do . It's like a wave of pain and emotional turmoil thats attempts to pull me into that whirlpool where everything becomes nothing and all emotions felt are misery and pain and just pain . I dunno . I want to cry but I cant...I wait for the time when judgment day come and the uncertainity and fear will turn into pain , fears and numbness. I know it will come . I just dont know when. I just dont know how painful it will be.Its like a timebomb ticking except i will not know how big the impact the explosion will be. Numbness. Let numbness wash over me or better still when the day comes, let me sleep and never wake up.

relationships

2008-10-06T10:10:00.000+08:00

I realise how fragile human relationships can be when I spoke to my gal's mom yesterday. She has been separated from her husband for 3 years , has 2 kids , 1 aged 11 and another aged 5 . Husband lives with them despite the separation. The reason for their separation was because of china women. the husband apparantly who is a 1st class honours graduate from NUS Science faculty has been fooling around with China women and has even gotten 1 of them pregnant. The wife who has as you know now discovered all his affairs went into rage and panic. She knows that the husband is leaving her but because she hasnt had sufficient education , she is afraid of life after divorce so like most wives in s'pore would do , for the sake of the kids , she tries to hold the family together . At the same time, she tries and discover an alternative way out should divorce occurs. She wants custody of the kids as she cant trust the china woman with the kids .When she spoke to me, I could tell that she was on the edge of a mental breakdown , very stressed emotionally and mentally. Because of the relationship between the parents , the kids are also somewhat affected. My gal , she feels like she has been deprived of family love, She is also somewhat distracted because of thoughts that her family doesnt love her. Her sister somehow senses that and seeks attention from everyone. This action seems to be one in which she tries to make herself seen and be valuable so that her parents will want her. This made me compare this situation to a similar situation that happened in my family . The relationship between humans is so fragile. Just one look from a pretty woman and a man can forsake his family and kids . You just never know when yur boyfriend is leaving you for another woman or when your husband is gonna forsake the family for another lady.1 moment you are friends or lovers or even both and another moment , maybe a few months or years down the road , you are enemies . Whats even worse is that once a relationship is destroyed , it is not the 2 main party thats injured emotionally , the kids and the people around them feel the emotional hurt too.There's so many consequences . It can just puts one off relationships but as humans in this world , to survive , we have to depend on one another and this means that we have to have relationship , platonic or otherwise to do so . We cannot avoid these consequences. The only thing we can do is just wait for them to happen and try to solve the problems that arise from such situations. In the meantime , while we wait for this 'timebomb' to explode , we can only cherish the people around us and the time we spend with them because we never know which one of them would leave us or even worse , love us and leave us.

A colour test

2008-09-29T23:46:00.000+08:00

jacintha took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Desires protection against anything which might ex..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

stuff and stuff

2008-09-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

Went out with Wicky on Sunday. We went to watch Wall E . It was rather cute. In fact , I enjoyed the show alot. Wicky brought popcorn in ..haha..I don't exactly eat while I am watching a movie so he sorta finished up the popcorn. not exactly all..just half a box. We didn't do much ..just walked around and catched up...well..at least that was mostly what we did...I dragged him up to get my lappie. Well.. he's still so nice , helping me and stuff.. Went into candy empire to get sweets. You know I have a sweet tooth ..haha..

I realised something about Wicky though. He has a sense of humor! I didn't exactly notice it until that day.And despite his 'sian' look , he is quite good looking when he smiles. Funny I didn't exactly notice it until that day . Must be the fact that I havent seen him for a long time.Maybe that's why.oh well...anyway, he was telling me that he went for some sort of interview but according to him , he didn't think it turned out well..but it's alright dude! Jia You! there's plenty of jobs out there... you will definately suceed ! Trust me ! haha...

Anyway , we just catched up and went home . But guess what ? We lost the car! this friend of mine ..haha..so cute ...he didn't remember the section in which he parked the car , instead he remembered the carpark lot that he parked it in..really cute sia.I cant wait for the next outing with him lor..haha

thoughts

2008-09-09T09:41:00.000+08:00

I have been really obsessed with the skies these few weeks. No idea why , but I like taking pictures of it . Maybe it was able to give a sense of gloom to the picture or in this case something hopeful ? Well... that's what I am feeling now . Hopeful. Yesterday was the first time that I felt that I was really starting a new chapter of my life. No more thoughts about that infernal guy and all... Just me,my students, my business and that first class honours that I am supposed and am going to get . Ain't I proud of myself ? Yeps I am ...lol..The gloom or rather the emoing is still there...but it's bright and sunny now...haha...A new life for a new day. Cheers to me!

2008-09-04T00:06:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Penang. Trip was alright. Am tired. will type a longer post tomorrow.

thoughts

2008-08-29T00:37:00.000+08:00

Today , I went to the law firm to attend a meeting with Liwen's mum who is a lawyer. She was a nice person and she went through the grounds of divorce with my mom . She persuaded mom not to divorce and instead also spoke to her about all the other options that we can do . She also mentioned to me that I should try to forgive my father. After the meeting , I just felt so down . The numbness has come back. Went to Mathshub to get my payslip. By then , it was already 845pm . Hoped to meet Wicky and get my lipstick back but he was having lesson then . Anyway, didn't see him , felt even more down . Seems like the effect is not gone . you see, like Alex, Wicky has this ability to perk me up when I am down . But anyway , didn't see him... send him a message but because I was so down , the msg was in short form . He msged me back saying that he didn't understand what I was saying ...but oh well... I so wanted to call him and cry over the phone. but think it was good that I didn't . guy thinks I am crazy now . can be seen from the fact that he didn't answer my smses after that first message. But oh well... I miss Alex , I miss Aman , I miss Gerald . I miss all my bros from JC . At least , they would have known what to do... but oh well... Anyway, saw uncle Mike and Aunty Anna today . They felt so awkward around me especially Uncle Mike . I could sense it and I didn't want to make things worse . I mean it's after all candy's fault so why drag them down the drain? Besides , they have given me training and opportunities that made me more valuable in the eyes of the kids parents . So in a way , they helped me.Besides , even if I want to say something , I was so so down , I had no mood to do anything . I still feel numb , I still feel helpless, but so? My life is in the hands of God. Anyway , yesterday , Neha saw shan and she commented that shan was very arrogant . I knew that , but I couldn't be bothered ...she will leave me alone soon when she finds new kids to bother. besides , she has never treated me as a friend so i don't really care. i am just indifferent to many things after this episode. i just cant really be bothered with some things in life . After all , what more can you expect from me? Family broken , heart broken , life broken all in the pace of 3 months. I am just numb to many things. The numbness is still there . I hope it will just go away....or maybe just let me sleep in peace and never wake up huh?

numbness

2008-08-27T22:59:00.000+08:00

My mum is finally getting a divorce. It was a matter of sooner or later and I knew that because I was the one who introduced the lawyer to her. And I must say that I am rather glad that she finally made a decision after hesitating for 3 months. You have no idea how tiring it is . Quarrels, fights, kids being pulled in , things were broken , pictures torn , burnt and stabbed. And god forbid if I should ever forget , the episode of each parent trying to end their own life. It was emotionally draining for each of us and for me, I think it was most draining on my brother. He has to ensure that nothing happened to the ladies of the family , worry about keeping our family financially afloat and suffer all the hurt and trauma that my parents or , more specifically my dad forced on the 3 of us. For me, I was drained emotionally . Add on to the fact , that now , I really have to bear the consequences of what my dad had said. I was partly the hand that broke the family up. I know you guys would say that my dad was the one who broke the family up because of his affairs , so what if I discovered the affair by accident . But don't you see, it was partly my fault , because if I had found out about it but kept quiet , maybe nothing would have happened. or maybe , if I had found out about it and instead of alerting my mom ,if I had confronted him myself or got my brother to confront him , maybe it wouldn't come to this. I really don't know what to do . Sometimes, I wonder if I had not been so curious , if I had not alerted my mum ,maybe all these wouldn't have happened. From that moment when I pressed that button out of curiousity , my life went upside down . Sometimes, when all these thoughts , all these doubts filled my head , I just so wanna sit in a corner , roll myself into an insignificant ball and just cry . Just cry my heart out But life goes on and like Zach said no matter what obstacles you face, the show must go on and life like a theatre production has to go on . And it has to be done with the same brightness and cheerfulness that I had before all these. Someone said that I would regret ever being happy that my parents were divorced . I will definately be sad because after all despite all , he was the man who provided for us. He was the guy who stayed with us since we were born. We had after all spent many happy times together. It's just that the happy times were lesser than the sad times.Who wouldn't be sad to part? But if it would end all the emotional pain and suffering that the kids are going through now , then so be it. Someone also told me that our lady boss has mood swings because she's moody . I have only one sentence to say . maybe she should compare her life to mine . For the past 3-4 months, my dreams has been shattered , my life thrown into chaos , my family's broken into pieces , my parents divorced and me being accused of destroying the family . And yet , I go to work with a smile , and endure all the scoldings and work that they throw at me . What right does she have to treat me as a punching bag and force me to leave? What right? Her life is so much better than mine and she is older than me and more harderned to the world. If she can throw tantrums then I think I have the right to throw my temper around since my life's worse than hers. Now ,I am worried. My sis and I may become the custody of either my mom or dad . And we both will also have a possibility of being thrown around like a football. The worst scenario would be ward of state and I really don't know what to do. For the first time or maybe one of the few times in my life, I am truly lost . Dreams gone. Family gone .the only thing that's not is my siblings. We have to stay united and weather this storm! But no matter what , I only know one thing , that I am more or less alone . Nothing is left . I don't know where to turn , what to do . All I know is that I am alone , lost in this storm . And all I wanna do is just sit down and sob and wonder if anything would ever go right again. But the best thing would be to go to sleep and never never wake up again because I just feel so so numb ...

randomness

2008-08-25T00:18:00.000+08:00

sitting here, listening to Hugh Grant's Dance with me tonight from Music and Lyrics. It just made me think that I have been through what the lyrics were saying. no job , no money and all I wanted to do was just sit down and sob . I felt so numb then , so so numb and all I wanted to do was to just sleep . Just sleep and never wake up to the harsh realities . Of course that never happened . But somehow , everything just came out right. I got over this thing that I had with Wicky . I found a job as a tutor and somehow , I sorta worked harder in school . I just kept myself busy and yup...somehow...the pain in my heart just subsided...but it's enough to remind me that I am not cut out for such stuff..past , present and future. Not now or ever . end of story . Anyway , I have set up a business..but we are still in the setting up stage haha. And in 2 weeks time , I will be modelling a couple of clothes for the school's fashion week. It may seem to you that I am just trying to keep myself busy but in this way , I am just trying to get on with life and I think I am doing a rather good job of it . I quit PAP to concentrate on my studies and tried to get to know God more because I felt that during all these days when I was railing at God for not listening and all...he was all the time at my side , helping me through the sorrow and grief that I felt . Making me stronger . This is just randomness but somehow it is the events of my life ...random and eventful. I remembered that Wicky once told me that all he wants is a happy and eventful life. I beg to differ, that's not what I want . I want a happy and stable and peaceful life . Because I know how eventful a life is . Mine is a good example . I could probably get a grammy for it . hah. I just want my life to move on and I guess somehow, i am succeeding . It's a fact now . I quit my job , I severe all ties with my colleagues . It's also a fact . I fell in love with Wicky , broke my own heart . And emerged from this episode a stronger person . Life's random . Life's bad and good but the elements fire our soul to steel . our souls are shaped by elements to make us who and what we are now.

just stuff

2008-08-17T10:34:00.000+08:00

well, i quit my job . Actually , I just got up and left. The reason was that the boss's wife insulted me. And I didn't do anything at all! I was rather pissed off !! When my parents heard about it ,they called to give her a piece of their mind. Was rather glad that they did that . They intially wanted to go down to the centre to confront her but I managed to stop them . This was because I decided that it is of no use to do that . Just shoot an email to MOM lah. would achieve so much more. I was so pissed off that I even had a disagreement with someone. Even though Uncle Mike asked me to wait for Anna, the taunts and insults that she threw at me made me boiled and I just left . haiz...i felt sad because i rather liked some of the people that I met there.but oh well...we can still keep in contact right ? haha

2008-08-14T16:08:00.000+08:00

What Your Ideal Wedding Dress Says About You

Your Personal Style:

Classic and elegant. You prefer to make a statement with a few quality pieces.

Your Ideal Wedding:

Traditional and formal, but not tacky. You think the most beautiful weddings are understated.

Your Philosophy on Marriage:

It's a serious commitment, and the couple entering it should be ready to work for their relationship.

Your Perfect Marriage:

Is calm, stable, deep, and meaningful.

The Wedding Dress Test

sadness and happiness

2008-08-09T19:10:00.000+08:00

This past months has been rather tough for me. Firstly , I quit my job at ABN AMRO and went off for a community trip. I had a motive for going for this community trip. It was partly to prove to myself that I could do this by myself. Another motive was so that I could get away from the constant quarrels between my parents and do some thinking. And I seriously thought that what I was doing was right. However, when I was there , I knew what true happiness was. For the first time , or maybe the few times in my life , I felt happiness. Secondly, I found out that my dad has a mistress. Before, I knew it , the house erupted into chaos and I was being accused by my dad as being the destroyer of the family . I believe his exact words were, 'it's all your fault! you are the one that broke up the family ! Next time you wonder why you don't have a father , you will know that you are the one who caused all these!' It's stupid really , me being accused as having broken up the family . I felt really stunned really confused for the next few days. Until now, there is still this doubt , this hurt in me that tells me that maybe I am responsible for all the quarrels in the family ... A counsellor that I saw told me that it was definately not my fault but somehow it's so much easier than done. I guess on;y time can heal the wounds. Anyway, found a new job. hated the boss's wife cos it seems to me that she kept picking on me ! This is so stupid! Like I am interested in the boss like that thus she wants to drive me off and stuff... was thinking of quitting but someone changed my mind . I guess I will give myself till december to try it out. Maybe this will work out after all huh?

2008-06-05T17:24:00.000+08:00

I am leaving ABN AMRO TOMORROW!!! YAY!!!

just words

2008-05-29T15:12:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last wrote my blog… haha… since then, so much has happened. I got a job, got my A levels results, met new people and applied to university…

Firstly, got a job… haiz…it’s a rather great job and all... but oh well… I am leaving in a couple of week’s time. I am both sad and glad to go…sad because I am so gonna miss all the friends that I made and glad because I never much cared for the people that I worked with. You guys must be wondering why…so here goes… there’s so many freaking politics at the work place and no matter how much you try to stay neutral, they would just pull you into the fray. There is this old lady at the office who has worked there for 30 years. It’s rather amazing that she could survive so long with her work attitude. It’s simply amazing! She’s irresponsible at work... always on the phone gossiping and all...when she meets with clients going to the bank, she employs a double standard. Ang Moh will get perfect politeness and would even be fawned over. Asians and most especially dispatch will receive a rude treatment from her. If not, her partner will be doing most of the work and she…almost negligible... As if that’s not enough, she will treat the gal that she’s working with as a personal secretary... go get water, go get this and that… I had the misfortune of working with her for 4 months and I lost my temper when she treated me as a servant by asking me to run all around the bank for her...Erm…personal errands…once too many times. Well... guess what treatment those who offended her received? Well… she tries to find fault with the ‘victim’ and would spread rumors about this person all round the office. These rumors are actually stuff in which she condemns this person to the superiors and colleagues. Furthermore, she also tries to make the job of her ‘victim’ as uncomfortable as possible. And guess what she does when the person lodges a complaint? An act of innocence. What a hypocrite! Thus, it is with such a person who is such a big hypocrite, an unreasonable character and a fake demeanor that makes working with her unbearable!! Besides this old woman, everything’s fine for now… but unfortunately, this old woman has been going around making life unbearable for me... Thus I am so so glad to leave this place. Because this problem will never be solved!!

I got my A levels results. They weren’t exactly good … but at least I passed… I applied for university and have since been rejected. Think I will appeal tonight to get into FASS… If my appeal were to be rejected, then I guess I will apply for SIM- UOL degree in Economics and Finance or their degree in Banking and Finance in 2009. Meanwhile, I guess I will work in another bank, not ABN... Will not work there until that old woman leaves or if I become her boss… I guess I will just hope that my bro goes aboard to work, and then I can follow him aboard to study…

I have also joined JCI, an organization that trains people to become leaders. Hopefully, I will become one lah. Furthermore, I have also become a member of the PAP. Haha. I am going for their meeting in June. Haha… this is so gonna be interesting…Anyway, I pray that I would get into NUS FASS and all…hopefully all goes well lah. And I am so looking forward to 10th June , it’s my last day!! Yes ,I would be sad to leave the friends that I made there..but hey …it would be better if I get out and live to continue these friendships than if I were to continue and suffer and die by the hand of backstabbers!! Haha..

changed?

2008-03-16T00:03:00.000+08:00

Besides all the thinking that I have been doing for the past few days , I have been contemplating on whether I have changed . I feel as if I am not me and that the things that I have been doing or feeling are just not me. People that I used to feel great with are now boring and irritating . People that I used to be close to , i feel distant... My pirorities have changed. Things that i used to feel strongly about , I feel indifferent ..sigh... I am more temperamental and so easily prone to tears. what's wrong with me ? Have I changed ? Have I turned into someone different ? Cause this person doesn't seem to be me....And then again it could be because of the state that i am in huh? hah.

back again

2008-03-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

It has been a long time since I last logged in. Since then , many things have happened. I have started working .... during my short stint in the workforce, I have experienced many ups and downs , met many people from all walks of life and gained some valuable experience. Other than that , I have discovered a great love for Taiwanese dramas. Currently , I am a fan of engagement for love , a romantic comedy. haha... I am a sucker for romance . well... I love alex toh's dark looks and ambrose hsu 's boyishness... haha..both are great singers though.I love their songs. haha... seems like I am starting to appreciate my chinese culture now...heehee...guess when peg's goes to Taiwan , I am going to get her to help me get their CDs ..hehe.. And then , there's the release of the A levels . I passed . And for that , I guess I have to thank my teachers and Gerald. Especially Gerald. For the coaching and all... but then again , yes I pass , but is my pass good enough to get me into university? that's the question . I am worrying myself silly over one application. I have decided that I wish to take up political science and theatre studies. But all this will have to wait until my application is accepted. haiz... sometimes , I feel so scared until I just cry ...I really dunno what to do. Haiz , I have been really temperamental these few weeks ... something's wrong with me ... it could be due to the recent events that has been happpening... haiz... and then again , it could be because of the state that I am in , confused , worried and fustrated. That's pretty much what's been happening so far...hehe

2008-01-23T22:10:00.000+08:00

What Jacintha Chew Yan Ling Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.

You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.

You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.

You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.

A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.

You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.

You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.

You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.

You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.

Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

JAC misses BJ

2008-01-19T17:32:00.000+08:00

you know it's amazing that you don't know how much you miss someone until you talk to him...i mean for people like aman and shan ..i don't miss them cause i know that worst come to worst i will see them when the As are released...but then as for BJ , well...we weren't exactly close...but yet... when i spoke to him today... i realised just how much i had missed him... amazing...it just cannot be explained...that tug in my heart...that feeling...i just missed him...interesting...i mean i haven't been thinking of him at all and poof he appears..we chat and i realise that i miss this chum loads..haha..Anyway...as usual.. that dude's besiged by chums crashing his home in the middle of the night to drink ...hehe...and his poor cat , tiger iss scared of them... and as usual he's sleeping late nights..sigh... sad thing was that we were chatting when his chums crashed into his room so had to end our conversation...argh... sometimes i wonder what's up with peg for leaving him...the guy obviously still hasn't gotten over her , he's great to look at,great to be with and is nice to talk to... but oh well... who am i to poke my nose into other people's business when i can't settle my own probs huh...anyway...gotta get back to reality...ain't good to think too much huh? i will just get more unhappy. it was great talking to BJ and it was just amazing to realise that i miss him..haha...hope to chat with him again huh?

long time no see

2008-01-19T17:12:00.000+08:00

has been a long time since i updated my blog...but oh well..have been fine... waiting for results ...think they are coming out next month..oh well..hopefully I will get into university... gonna study political science or law..dunno how see first.. anyway, got a job ... working as a receptionist in abn amro.. job's great..people there are nice... contract going to end..hopefully..i will be able to sign a new contract with the bank...sigh...if not i gotta look for another job lor..sigh...anyway..that sums up my life.. haven't been meeting any of the IJC peeps..only been on the phone once or twice with peeps like peggy and shan and aman and yiling...other than that...nope..never chatted with anyone from school...haha...

despair

2007-11-16T09:06:00.000+08:00

Sigh... I screwed up my history paper.... Argh!! you know what ? I banged on beginning of cold war and they came out end.... I was like shit shit shit.... argh.... Then, I studied kashmir and you know what they asked how Brit was responsible for kashmir conflict...I was like huh? ARGH!!! And I couldn't finish SBQ lor...sigh....I am so so dead lor...Tues is physics MCQ. Hopefully I will do well for it lor.... I so feel like crying.....hopefully... i will do well enough to get into university ...sigh...

prayers and wishes

2007-11-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

JAC prays ....really really pray to God that she will do well enough to get into NUS FASS . She prays that God knows that it's her fondest wish to study politics and theatre in university and that he will give her a chance to do so....POlitics and Theatre . that's her dream and she hopes that it will be fulfilled as this would be the one and only chance that she will ever get to enter into the university. JAC wishes to study politics and theatre so that she will be able to make changes to international laws and help kids living in the mire of poverty, abused kids etc. She wants to bring sunshine to the lives of these kids....The only way she belives would be to wield influence in government circles so that she would be able to change the laws which deals with such children. An example she believes would be child labor , laws which allow child marriages etc. By doing so , she would be able to have the influence to convince these governments to change their laws...JAC prays really hard that GOD would fulfill her dreams by letting her do well enough to get to university.....

After the paper....

2007-11-12T16:27:00.000+08:00

I seriously have no idea what to say for physics paper 2. I think I got quite a lot wrong .... but then again , i don't really feel scared or all jumbled up... the way I felt after maths paper 1. Interesting. what does that mean? Am I just resigned to the outcome or is my subconcious self just confident that I will do alright for this paper? hmmm... oh well... only got 3 more papers to go. Econs , history and Physics MCQ. Argh! Jia you! Hopefully , I will do well for these papers. Sigh...I so wanna play in peace... but it seems that I might have to work hard for another round of A levels ... GOD FORBID!! I so so DON"T WANNA do my A levels again!!ARGH.....time to hit the books!

memories.....

2007-11-07T13:44:00.000+08:00

thoughts

2007-11-07T13:34:00.000+08:00

sigh....I finally uploaded all the pics that I took with the gang on Sunday.haha...yes... we went to Chinese gardens because Alex wanted to go and he's going back to Germany so yah. Our group has disbanded. There's only me and Gerald left. But it can't possibly be just the 2 of us right? hmmm... Tracie left, then alex and now me... haha... this group has disbanded... hmmm...when will we have another reunion...hmmm... 5 years ? 10 years? Who knows? only fate does so yeah. Well... but one thing I gotta say is that I am so gonna miss this group... cos it was one of the best things that happened to me... hmm... so I guess it shall be one of the most beautiful memories in college... yea.... anyway... i uploaded some pics that we took at chinese gardens and of course , there's the pics that I took with trace on teacher's days... beautiful memories they shall remain but hopefully the great time that I have with such cool kids will not be the last...

Alexx...

2007-11-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

Alex's leaving like tomorrow... sigh... dunno if I will see him in school tomorrow but oh well... I 'm sure gonna miss him. I sure can't wait for summer to come... haha...once summer is here, I will get to see him ...haha..yes.. it's more or less like 80% confirmed.. next year , if all goes well.. I shall be off to Germany with my girlfriend to visit Alex.Until then, I guess I will have to contend with just chatting on msn... haha... I am so gonna miss him lor.. the guy who tease me, make fun of me, encourage me ,just to name a few. I can gladly say that other than Gerald , Alex is the guy who has made a huge impact on my life. Let's see.. he acts as my sunshine, my conscience and my big bro.. and sometimes even the guy who helps me... like no history notes... look for alex. no GC , look for alex. go to school companion, alex. milo buddy , alex. He plays a part in every aspect of school life. practically. So I am so so like gonna miss him. haha..ain't gonna send him off cos 1. my mom's gonna kill me if I leave the house at midnight. 2. exams.ARGH!! and 3(the most important one) ... I will cry! Sigh.... 8 months more to seeing my big bro again... hmm...the days ahead will be a bit strange for me... not seeing ,hearing ,touching or talking to him...but oh well... the gods will decide how it shall be. Until then,bon voyage alex and have fun! All the best , with love JAC...

report on exams

2007-11-06T22:38:00.000+08:00

So far all's fine....maths paper 2 was better than I thought... hope the next few papers turn out fine....

my handwriting!!

2007-11-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are highly energetic. You are a passionate, intense, vigorous person.

You are very extroverted and outgoing. You are loving, friendly, and supportive. However, you are also manipulative and controlling at times.

You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others.

You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.

You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart.

You are a poor communicator. No one really knows exactly what you're getting at.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

despair

2007-10-31T23:30:00.000+08:00

Argh.... A levels have started and it was crappy... yesterday's physics paper 3 the questions were like huh? They asked me questions that were so different from the prelim papers that I did... Argh... I lost 10 marks ...what a waste! today's GP paper was disastrous! They asked weird questions ...I prepared terrorism and prejudice and guess what ? nothing came out! Eventually, I had to attempt a question on the supernatural... I wrote crap! Argh! And that's not it! Paper 2 was worse! I had not enough time to complete my AQ!! Argh!! I am so screwed! I don't wanna do a retake !! Friday's maths paper 1 and history paper 2... I am so godamn scared... sigh.. I am so screwed aren't I? Morale 's slipping and I have no ways or means to stop it...tears of fustration and defeat has already started rolling down my cheeks ..no worries about that! Despair , fear and anxiety has begun to set in... university or not? can I do it or not? that's the question. if only confidence in me works wonders....that would be so perfect...

2007-10-27T22:03:00.000+08:00

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique.

No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing.

You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored.

As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful.

You do best when you:

- Can work by yourself

- Can express your personality in your work

You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

love personality profile

2007-10-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

The Love Personality Test

My Result: ENTP

About 4-6% of the U.S. population possesses the combination of traits that make up this personality type.

As an ENTP, you can be the life of the party. Most people are apt to be immediately taken with your enthusiasm and friendly nature. You're the kind who always seems to have a good story or anecdote on hand to reveal your charm and wit. However, that's not to imply that you're simply a jokester. You also seem to enjoy thinking deeply and creatively on any number of topics. ENTPs like you can have a knack for coming up with novel ways of looking at the world. This usually makes your type more open-minded than lots of other people are. Your rare combination of social skills and common sense can make you a winning catch. In relationships, part of what often excites you is sharing your ideas about the world. You can be one smooth talker and at times, a masterful negotiator. You also seem to be the kind of social person who can make friends in a roomful of strangers. This is a rare talent.

Take this test >

my dream job! haha

2007-10-27T21:41:00.000+08:00

What's Your Dream Job?

My Result: President

Unlike some people, your dream job doesn't involve lying on the beach somewhere or being paid to take naps. No, you love to get things done and get them done right (or at least, your way). That's why your dream job is to be president! Can't you just picture it? Being in charge and making the really important decisions? Changing the world each and every day? And forget about flying coach — you've got Air Force One. We bet that sounds like heaven for a driven go-getter like you.

Of course you don't have to come in first at the polls to succeed. As long as you remember to keep asking questions and demanding change, your vision can still help make the world a better place.

Take this test >

letter of guilt and fustration

2007-10-26T21:58:00.000+08:00

Argh! I feel so guilty now that I have said something wrong ...sigh....here's a letter of guilt and fustration that I shall address to Gerald...

Dearest Gerald,

There's some stuff that I have to say . First , the message that you received right after you message me... that was for someone else. I was just so fustrated at that person that I accidentally sent it off to you. I hoped that you were not offended by it. But if you were , well... I guess I apologise sincerely. I know that I should have sent an apology to you but I guess I was still really pissed off with you for being such a jerk , you know about misleading me and all.. and I still am. Yah I guess I was still mad at you and I decided not to do so . A childish action in trying to hurt you. I guess I wanted you to feel the same anger and hurt that I was feeling . My apologies for the hurt that you feel. Argh... this isn't going well is it? But my words and intentions are true.

Second, sometimes I wonder what you truly want from me. I wonder what in god's name I mean to you. Cos if you regard me as a good friend, please treat me like one! I hate to keep guessing at your intentions and motives. I hate this whirl of feeling that is inside me. I am tired of wondering what it is and what your motives are . Just let me off for once will ya? If your motive was to plunge me into this pool of confusion , well... congrats you did it. So stop treating me like a galfriend and start treating me like a friend!

Third, you are such a jerk! If you like tracie , so be it! Please do not drag me into it. One , I may wish to be a third party in thoughts but I ain't gonna be a third party in deed. That stupid drama that we acted out for public speaking ain't going to become reality! So please do not mislead me anymore. Frankly speaking you have been a great friend to me. I feel lucky to have you as a friend .And as a friend, I got to tell you seriously that I have never been in a relationship before . I am most vulnerable in relationships so if you do treat me as a friend. Don't mislead me anymore unless you decide to ditch your gal for her friend. And even then, I wouldn't want such a jerk such as you. Which gal in her right mind will choose a guy who hurts and confuse her? Not me , this few days of hurt and confusion that you have thrown me in is enough! And then again, dude, I guess I have to blame myself huh? Who asked me to be so naive until people just get a kick out of tricking me huh? Sometimes I seriously have to wonder if I am just stupid or simply naive.

So dude, if you regard me as a friend , treat me as one . release me from this quagmire of pain and confusion. If you regard me as a fool, go ahead and laugh at my naiveness but just so you know , say au revoir to the fool that provided free entertainment because this fool is a fool that will remember you as the one who hurt and cheated her of her feelings...I apologise for the hurt if any that I have caused you I shouldn't have done it no matter how hurt I was . my actions were uncalled for and for that I apologise. I also hope that our friendship will be one that lasts. but whether it will be that is up to you.

Love JAC.

thoughts

2007-10-25T17:53:00.000+08:00

I feel really uneasy around gerald. The guy's weird . he likes Tracie and yet ... he acts as if I am his girlfriend. That's so er...not right. Anyway, couple days ago... left the school at 820pm and bingo the damn gates were locked!what's the point of putting a sign out there saying that the gates will be locked at 9pm when they locked it at 8pm. Stupid stupid. And yes , you guessed right. We had to climb out of the gate again. This time , I didn't get hurt . That was because I was too scared of the height. Argh!Anyway, I gave gerald the reply to the question he asked me a few days before in one of those farewell cards I wrote every body. Argh! . well.. anyway,back to the topic. I feel rather uneasy around that guy. Seriously! I have no idea what the heck he's thinking. He likes Tracie , yet he treats me like I am his girlfriend.How do I know that? he told me. yeah. Yesterday night , I was quizzing him about him and Tracie cos shan was asking me about it... and he refused to give me a definate answer. Oh well...he asked me about the qns and yah obviously , i refused to answer. What do u expect a gal to do ? shout it out loud that the reply i gave was what he meant to me? It's godamn embaressing man! Argh! Anyway, he asked me about alex and I and I was like huh? I gave him back the same vague answer by throwing his questions at him. HAH! Eventually , i got my answer through my forte. Drama. All I did was be frivolous and declare that he likes me. Then , I teased him about it ! Then, I told him the ans he wanted to know. What I was replying to. HAH. And bingo! The ans came. And then again, hah. It might not be true. Since I have been tricked so many times by some people. Sigh... sometimes, I wonder if I am just stupid or am i just naive ? I keep getting tricked by people! Argh! Anyway, That answer, whether it's the truth or not will just have to suffice. I have something to tell shan liao! Haha. Argh... I am such a great gossip! haha... Anyway, now that I know that that is true, I had better stay away from the guy. 1, I ain't gonna lose a friend over 1 stupid guy. 2, I am saving myself for my first love. HAHA... if he wasn't a friend... I would say that he's a jerk. one stupid jerk! nope...worse than that , a bastardi! how can a guy be in love with a gal and yet can have the conscience to try and fool around with her friend? such a jerk! Thank god after tomorrow, i won't be seeing him ... stupid stupid me. To think that i was so foolish to think that the guy was interested. HAH! At least I had the brains to realise it and I was lucky to not become some foolish chick who would have gotten cheated. hah! Anyway, 1 day more, and I won't see him..... thank god. no one must ever know that JAC , the ice queen was so vulnerable as to almost fall for a jerk. no one must know that jac who is jovial in all aspects is actually a sensitive little gal who is most vulnerable whenit comes to emotions and relationships. That is what no one must know...Je n'aime personne. les amours No. un de reine de glace le droit n'est pas venus. Kay has not come. that is a fact. what i got is just a jerk. Anyway... gotta put it at the back of my mind. A levels are coming....gotta work hard. 3 As and 2 Cs are my goals! not a stupid jerk who seeks to cheat his gal! Liebe ist nichts aber eine Phantasie, die ist, was alle wissen müssen.HAH. it's only for silly romantics like me who think it otherwise. HAH!

argh...torture

2007-10-18T23:19:00.000+08:00

Argh! I sparained my foot. And it hurts ! like duh! And all because of me , myself and I. Pooh! Why am I so clumsy? Oh well... what happened was that Gerald and I studied in school till 9pm yesterday and bingo ! We were locked in. Sigh... the gate was locked ! Hey we reached the gate at 9pm and it was locked ! Worse still , why didn't the workers take a tour of the school before leaving! For god's sake.... they didn't check that there was no one in college before they left! Stupid stupid stupid! Anyway.. since we were locked in , we had 2 choices... spend the night or climb out of the gate... well.. we chose the climbing part. We climbed the fence and since I was super clumsy... while climbing down it... I slipped and fell.. and ouch... there goes my foot. Well.. anyway... we spent like a long time walking to the train station .. argh! lesson learnt : get out of school 15 min before the gate closed. Anyway... this morning... my foot was so bad that I didn't come to school. I canceled all my consultations . Oh well.. nothing could be done could it? I couldn't walk! My dad used chinese medical oil to rub my foot. And it hurts! I cried and cried! Then , this afternoon, I went to the docs... oh well.. if it is still that bad .. i gonna have to see the docs tmr. sigh... Anyway, I missed a little drama while having my own little adventure. Someone in my block wanted to commit sucide and the police was called in and all .. oh well..he was taken away by the police in the end.. how stupid can someone be to make an attempt at killing himself but oh well.. he must be desperate . Just like me when climbing the gate. Went home , shower, put ice on my ankle and went to sleep . Gerald seems really worried about my foot .. but oh well... he wanted me to take a cab back but I refused... because I was too lazy to walk to the taxi stand. He wanted me to get ice ... and I refused to cos it's not gonna work. I would just look ridiculous walking with a pack of ice .. having to bend every minute to apply it on my leg.. haha... And I am paying for it in terms of pain . But thank god I was able to sleep the night. haha. told shan and a couple others about it. Warned shan not to say anything to gerald and alex. No use having gerald worry about it. he has worried enough as it is. And alex... argh... just didn't want him to know. But too bad ... the cat was out of the bag cos siva told G that i didn't come to school and just now he was like asking me about it. oh well.. i just told him it was ok... you know how sprains are and all..I just don't wanna anyone see me like that and feel sorry or guilty about it. Most importantly , I just don't want anyone to know the vulnerable and fragile and weak me. Only my closest friends know and that's enough. I have a reputation to mantain if I don't wanna get hurt by others or something.Anyway... yesterday, had maths consultation ... sigh... I sat there from 1pm to 530pm ... doing maths... ms ng was like scolding and scolding and i just felt like crying and crying. I didn't of cos. when alex and gerald came during consultation to borrow stuff , i just thrust my pencil box into their hands.. I couldn't bear to look at them because I just felt like crying. I couldn't even do H1 maths for gods sakes! Anyhow..after consultation , slept in sr 2 for awhile while gerald wrote my autograph book. hah. he asked me 1 qns : what he is to me? Interesting...haven't thought about it... asked him back that... well... we are supposedly very good friends... hmm... well... what gerald is to me ... well... I can safely say that he's my great buddy... my teddy bear, my pillow and my tutor. I did think of pursuing something more but I gave up the idea. That guy still loves tracie and me? well..I have no idea. He likes to touch my hair and just hug me .. now... that's interesting ... well , as for me.... I will never dare to tear tracie and gerald apart. No matter how much courage I have , I would never dare to do that.Because They were my best friends.. So the answer I gave him was that I dunno which is the truth I guess since even if I were in love , I would never know.even if he likes me , i would never know. that's how innocent I am ..haha So what he is to me? I have some kind of idea ... but I don't rightly know . And the answer can wait till after As .Anyway.. that guy loves Tracie , he keeps her close to his heart. Literally. So yeah... I guess... unless I hear from the horse's mouth that he likes me... he will always be just this to me I guess. A very good friend.

stuff

2007-10-13T22:39:00.000+08:00

yesterday was graduation day. oh well.. that means there's 2 weeks to A s and my grades are so lousy...argh. oh well... I went around asking peeps to sign my autograph books. Grad day was alright. my teacher prepared a survival kit for us. just goodies and some prac stuff and a message for us. It was really touching. In econs class, mr how gave a speech . I felt so touched . I was looking at my table all the while trying not to cry. You know this time , I feel so sad to be leaving this school . This is so unlike the last time in sec school... oh sigh.. anyway, after grad day, went for gp consultation. found out that it was cancelled cos of hari raya. So decided to hang out with gerald at the tables ... Actually I was waiting for him to fill up my book but oh well.. we ended up chating on love ... gp topic u see. happened to see alex at the staffroom , since gerald couldn't think of what to write first, so got alex to write it first . but oh well, he didn't know what to write in the end. oh bother. we ended up talking crap in the end. on stuff like porn. hah... it was raining and i was feeling damn cold lor. and the guys didn't have a sweater or anything . argh. oh and gerald saw my results and offered to help me with physics and maths . That was so nice of him. He spent like 2 hours guiding me through the pure maths section of the mock exam. Gosh. I was like so terrible at vectors. I practically didn't know anything and he was so patient... I mean if it was any other guy , they would just like say it once and get impatient. But he just tried to make me understand the question and sort of like you know not make me feel so stressed up and fustrated about parts I didn't know how to do. He's such a gem ... if I hadn't vowed to stay single till end of the year , I would have fallen in love with him... haha... oh well... that for sure is one great friend that I have and it sure makes my day.

2007-09-30T18:15:00.000+08:00

been a really long time since i last blog...haha... ok...here's a summary of my prelim 2 results. I passed GP and my international history. Failed maths and almost passed physics... gonna get back my economics and southeast asia results this week. Hope I don't fail my SEA paper else someone's gonna laugh at me... for failing the easier paper. Oh Well... talking about him .... he borrowed my jacket on friday... I know you said that I could have refused to lent him my jacket but I can't very well let him freeze in the hall for like the whole day ... he has 2 papers you see. what's more, he was sick the day before and was freezing during his GP paper.. can't make him fall sick again... oh well... so i waited for my jacket after school and the libary was argh...cold. Didn't really study much ... only managed to finish my 2006 maths paper... sigh... think i took like 2 - 3 hours to do that? i was so tired after doing my paper that i sorta not do anything for the next hour or so... After that, when he finished his paper... finally! I was so sleepy waiting for him! went off with him...amazing....that guy had the guts to tell the teacher that he was not going to attempt the maths paper and spent the examination writing a letter to his grand mother! Seems like the scums of innova has worked their influence on him... hah. And who was the one who said that i should be studying and not slacking.... oh well... that was uncalled for. I recognise that that was for my own good.It's just that seriously I can't believe that he would ever do that...haha...anyway... met 2 girls on the way out of school...guess they were his classmates. One of the gals apparently was from public speaking. Amazing...can't seem to remember her...haha.. the other i have no idea...haha ...strangely, i can't remember them even though i have met them. haha. Oh well... anyway.. the other girl was weird. She claimed that she spoke french. Interesting... but her tone seems to imply that she has the upper hand or something...don't really know how to describe that implication... haha..but somehow, it prompted her friend , the girl from public speaking to recite the alphabet , Detusch style. It was quite laughable....but oh well.. I was tempted to ask the 'french' girl , ca va bien? just to see if she really understands french...haha...but of course i didn't. good manners dictate that it be so. I wonder what her reaction would be if she knew that i could speak 6 languages. french, german, english, chinese, cantonese and korean. that would be interesting. And it would be far more interesting if she knows that i lost touch with three of the languages, french being one.. haha... languages that i learnt at the age of six . All lost due to lack of practice . haha.. oh well.. i sorta dislike the 'french ' girl . I mean it's like so obvious that she was being a cling wrap.haha.. reminds me of a country bumpkin who has never seen a caucasian before.. haha.. oh well...it can't be helped . I was like that when i was 11 . haha. And I guess I would have been like that if I had not been given an education at an elite school where caucasians were practically common sight in the school..haha... but still...it's somewhat irritating to see her acting like an SPG. And what one does , the other follows. sigh... I swear by the time he leaves the school, his head would have swelled to the verge of almost popping! haha. Oh well...we walked with them to the mrt station , then the two of us left for cold storage to get some stuff..the weird thing was that the last time i sorta dragged him to Causeway point, he was complaining ... so it was quite surprising that he agreed readily to acompany me to the supermarket. but oh well.. we are on better terms now than then . haha. seriously sometimes ... he is so cute that i really feel like telling him Ich lieben sie ...haha...but oh well... i don't love him. i love him as a friend. He's my brother... And it's impossible... I can't love him for one cause an long distance relationship is impossible..my parents will kill me... and i should be focusing on my studies now... yea...i don't love him... i can't... Ich liben herr. Herr ist mein kind bruder und bester freund. Ich lieben mein bester freund... I love him. He ist my kid brother and best friend. I love my best friend. yes... that explains my feelings for him. or does it? Blast it! I can't love him! And that's final! or not?

thoughts ...

2007-09-24T13:27:00.000+08:00

sigh... it has been like dunno how many days since exams. Just got back my physics paper and general paper... sigh... for general paper, I got the same marks as prelim 1 : 50 and that's because of moderation. In actual fact , my language had deterioated. As for physics , I almost passed. So that's an achievement I guessed. Hopefully , this progress continues. haha. But then again, I feel really blue now. It's not just because of general paper , it's also because of shan .... maybe ... it's not sadness but rather anger... sigh... I have no idea what's got into her but she seems jealous of the relationship than I have with hema and alex... sigh.... oh well... anyway... the story was that she played a prank on me by filling up some prank stuff which i sent to her. She did it under alex's name and since the god damn thing didn't get returned to me with an email address attached to it... i got taken in and thought that my best friend liked me. I know it was my fault in the first place cos I shouldn't have sent that prank so I accepted the fact that there's a teeny weeny chance that someone would play a prank back on me. So when she did and I found out after much worrying... I was quite upset but I didn't utter a word because I know that I shouldn't have done it... And yet... today , she told alex about the prank and my reaction like it was me that pranked myself. And she dared to come tell me that! Argh! What I am mad at is that my good friend would go so far as to humilate me by telling my best friend something that she has done and make it sound like I did it myself cos I was infatuated with him!! Oh what CRAP!! She even goes so far as to treat me the manner a master would treat his dogs . ordering. I mean she oversteps her boundaries as a friend. I could accept a little pranking or a little rudeness... BUT that's too much! I can't stand it!! I am not her dog or anything! ... ARGH!! okie...now that the ranting is over... here's comes the solution.... The mess is done... I have no choice but to pick up the peices of my life that she has shattered. The solution to this mess? Gotta think on it....

I am sick AGAIN!!

2007-09-04T22:21:00.000+08:00

Argh!!! I am sick again! This is like the second time that I am sick during or near the exams.... Sigh.... Anyway, have been studying in schoolfor the past few days....hahah * cough* *cough* ... sigh... I did a lot of stuff yesterday...but today...sigh...I was unable to do that much...sigh.... I guess it could be because I was too tired.. if only my big brother was there to push me.... sigh....I really miss his'default nagging'..you know like what i have been doing during the weekends and yah... if i have been slacking...he will start nagging... I swear during the time we have known each other,he takes care of me more than me taking care of him. And to think that I am older than him. Talk about maturity... he's more mature....sigh....oh well...I just so so miss him.... haha... anyway... gotta go take some medcine and sleep... Still have to go to school tomorrow.I have to work harder tomorrow .There's 54 days left to A levels. And without my big brother's nagging, I have to work even harder... Nites...

my day

2007-09-01T00:23:00.000+08:00

today was teacher's day. This year , i had to get to school ultra early and all because I thought that the J2s of the drama club should give chitra a card to thank her for all she did. Oh well... I did my best for the card. My artistic skills ain't that good u know...I hope Chitra likes it . But oh well...so anyway, this morning dad gave me a lift to the bus stop cos I wanted to take the bus instead of the train... haha.. I wanted to sleep u see. Sigh... And guess who I saw on the bus? Alex. I can't seem to escape the guy man. although he's only j1 , this bro of mine acts like my older brother and bosses me around. well...anyway... despite the diff in timetable, i always see him daily... u see the j2 and j1s hardly meet each other cos of the diff in timetables. But oh well...we didn't talk much. both of us were so tired.... we slept on the bus. And in diff seats...don't think otherwise!!!He's my bro!!!! I know that many believ that we have something going but that's just so totally crap. Just because a guy and a gal are close to each other does not mean that they are in love. you know there's something called friendship love you know. It's kinda irritating , having to watch my attiude and behaviour around 'blacklisted 'guys you know , like Alex and Aman. Like hello??? We are friends ok? Anyway, back to the subject.. well... school.. as usual, we had ACES day and then teacher's day celebration. After that , went out with tracie and gang for neo prints cos Tracie's leaving for the Uk ...oh well...I am so gonna miss her...but oh well... Argh! unfortunately, I had to rush back to school for lessons... ARGH... I just finished planning for my hist essay . Gonna go to bed soon cos I feel so tired. The neoprint pics are so so cute. haha. I look cute too... haha self praise. Oh well.... the pics above are the ones I took today... I took another one with peg and gang but oh well... that can wait another day... haha... for now, it's bedtime...

2007-08-30T00:25:00.000+08:00

You're a Linguistic Architect!

The Super IQ Test

Brought to you by Tickle

The stage is mine! or yours??

2007-08-27T15:41:00.000+08:00

Sigh... this is os like o levels time. I remembered quite vaguely that 2 years ago. I wrote some crap about getting into a JC and here I am . In a JC. Guess what now, it's 2 months to my As and I guess I am not really prepared yet so I wonder...wonder how it's gonna be. You know, a friend of mine was asking me a couple of days ago... what I wnated to do... And you know what. I still have a strong interest in flim and theatre. but sigh... my mum would never agree. well well... next up, my interest is law... hmmm...law... well.... my gp is so so absolutely great ...but my other subjects aren't that fantastic. so that's out too... Nus Fass... is so so interesting... but what's with people this year. Practically the whole school wants to do Fass. It's so dumb. I can't even do business because i am terrible with maths and i so totally hate it. English... maybe... but if i can't even get into uni... it's like so so sigh... I guess i am gonna have to take a course i don't really like. pooh.My mum minds me taking tourism managment. air stewardess ... no thanks. how about a law enforcer? No thanks . mum said that it's equal to that of a dirty job. haha. very funny. roll eyes. I should be a white collar worker... being bound to the desk from 9 to 5 . The perfect job for me would be something exciting... something different... hmmm.... and something that my mum would never object to. It seems that my likes and my mum's likes are contrasting. my views and my opinions are totally diff from hers. Sigh.... The world is a stage . People love to say that the stage is mine. yah right. Mine of yours? THe stage may be mine but the script is not mine to plan and script. it's the work of others. HAh

A day in LIFE...this is really nice.

2007-08-21T16:29:00.000+08:00

A Day in LIFE

Thick and hard is our mind
We all go searching in Life,
knowing not, just what we might find.

Are we, then, destined forever to be like this,
Or are we still saearching answers
'bout what Life is?

Are we still standing upright, on terra-firma,
Or are we being swept away by the 'Tsunami's' of Life?

Rajesh G Pandharpurkar

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/a-day-in-life/ , www. google.com

A song that i love....

2007-08-21T16:23:00.000+08:00

http://www.ilyric.net/Lyrics/w/Westlife/Don't-Calm-The-Storm.html
Westlife

» Don't Calm The Storm

[Shane:]
You say you need some time on your own
You say we should put our love on hold
But, baby, don't leave me now all alone in the cold
You said you believed in us, baby
But now you're walking away from me, oh yeah

[All (Shane):]
Don't calm the storm
(Keep on walkin' baby)
Just walk out that door
(Or just stay a while)
Or you'll stay a while
And we'll make it right
Don't be afraid
I know how to ease my pain
Oh oh oh oh oh

[Shane (Bryan):]
I know there were things I said that were wrong
(I know there were things I said that were wrong)
Girl, I always knew where my heart belonged
If you want me to walk away I will, but it hurts me so
Oh baby, just open your eyes (open your eyes)
Hear me now (hear me now)
It doesn't have to be this way

[All (Shane):]
Don't calm the storm
(Keep on walkin' baby)
Just walk out that door
(Or just stay a while)
Or you'll stay a while
And we'll make it right
Don't be afraid
I know how to ease my pain
Oh oh oh oh oh

[Shane:] Ooh ooh baby
[All:] I know there were things I said that were wrong
[Mark (?):] Oh oh yeah I know I was wrong
[All:] If you want me to walk away I will, but it hurts me so
[Mark (?):] I'll go I'll go but it hurts me so
[Bryan:] Open your eyes hear me now
[Shane:] It doesn't have to be this way

[Shane (All):]
Don't calm the storm
(don't calm the storm)
Just walk out (walk out) that door
(Walk out that door)
Or you'll stay a while
And we'll make it right
Don't be afraid
I know how to ease my pain

[All (Shane):]
Don't calm the storm
(Keep on walkin' baby)
Just walk out that door
(Or just stay a while)
Or you'll stay a while
And we'll make it right
Don't be afraid
I know how to ease my pain
Oh oh oh oh oh

2007-08-21T16:18:00.000+08:00

You Are an Orange Crayon

Your world is colored with offbeat, confident, and stimulating colors.

You have a personality that's downright weird - and you wouldn't change it for anything.

Loud and expressive, you voice your opinions fearlessly and strongly.

And while you have a strong personality, you can be friends with almost anyone.

Your color wheel opposite is blue. Your confidence is something blue people truly envy.

What Color Crayon Are You?

rant!!!

2007-08-21T13:06:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh!!There's this gurl in 0633A that's so goddamn bitchy lor. She's so quarrelsome ! You know what she did ? Today , at history lecture, since our class didn't get the notes , obviously i went down to get the notes from miss loo Lah. But ama got them lor, so obviously , i went back to my seat. And since i went down the right stairs , obviously , i go back up the right stairs. Who would be so dumb as to walk a long way and go up the left stairs . Only an idiot would do so. And that gurl sitting next to beth.. you know what she said? why i never go up by the other way and obviously i told her that only a fool would take the long way, in polite words of course. And guess what? She didn't say oh or even apologise!! She acted like it's an offence to walk past her like that lah! When she's in the wrong lor! Such a b@#$*! Dunno how her mom teach her one lor ... no manners at all. Anyway, the way she acted, yawning like i said nothing of any consequence at all.... if i had not been well taught by high class people, I would have slapped her long ago lah. What did I do ? oh.. I walked away... this was meant to show her classmates what a b@#$* she is , trying to pick up a fight and high class people like me don't bother what low class scum of the earth like her says. After all... only a person who don't knows it's obvious to take the shorter route to cut opportunity costs and yet act like she's right in not knowing that fact is a fool. She should work in a circus man. But then if she does , rich gals like Paris hilton would be insulted by the behaviour she exhibits. I am still mad that's why .... i am writting it on my blog. Next.. dunno what happened to that s and s lor. 1 thinks i am her oh so good fren , the other ah... thinks i am her mommy. Both think i am their secretary and a buffer state from the other. Everytime, ask me so many dumb qns. Like never pay attention in class like that . every time the teacher says something in class , they ask me exactly what the teacher say. Never pay attention one lor. Think i secretary is it? Somemore not paid one leh! I wanna study also lor! Damn irritating. Then the 2 of them ah. last time good friends dunno what happened ah. Never come dun call the good fren call me. like wo ken ta zhe me sou the ah. so irritating lah. join group also come and join mine. Siao ah. I very good friends with u meh? go bother someone else lah. i so not free lor.think i so dumb ah , do consultation also do with ppl who are so much lousier than me ah.do also must do with smart ppl or at least ppl in the same standard lah. think i so stupid ah? Let u pull down my grade ah? i only yur classmate, which means that anything that don't benefit me ... i can't be bothered with u. I play play with u only ok lah. Think i yur very good fren meh. Must eat , sit and study with u meh? One keep sticking to me like leech, the other one oso some more, put the perfume so stong until i kanna headache ah. Irritating ! I see those two i feel like pooh pooh them lor. of cos i won't lah! Don't be dumb! Such irritating ppl , i hurry up get out of the school good liao! I can't wait to meet more culturally refined ppl! HAH.

P.s The contents above were said in a rage. I am held by the great emotions called anger and fustration. It's not meant to be offensive or anything . It is just my thoughts in anger therefore the title is rant!Anyway, i don't think this text is offensive enough to be labeled as sedition, defamatory or crimminal defamatory .

Princess hours...with love

2007-08-12T20:17:00.000+08:00

gosh ... I am crazy about princess hours... it's really nice. I so so love it !!!The plot and all... Even the actors. Chae yong looks cute and shin ... gosh he looks hot! Haha... But other than that the show is really really good. If you haven't watched it.. u should... :)..Love and all its trails...The gap between a prince and a pauper and how love triumphs all the obstacles of life. That's what it is all about...A beautiful piece of work...

acknowlegements:www.flickr.com,www.velverse.com

2007-08-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

There's a Chance You Could Be Violent

Overall, you're a pretty chill person - and you have a good handle on your emotions.

Sometimes your anger gets the best of you, and end up regretting how you act.

Try to curb your temper more often. It only has to get out of control once to do some damage.

Could You Be Violent?

2007-07-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

Your Expression Number is 6

You have an outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance.

You are helpful and inclined to comfort those in need.

You have many artistic and creative talents, but you only use them to better others.

You are loving, friendly, and appreciative of others.

You have a depth of understanding that produces much kindness and generosity.

Openness and honesty are apparent in your approach to all relationships.

Sometimes, you can be too demanding of yourself.

At times, you tend to sacrifice yourself for the welfare of others.

At other times, you have trouble distinguishing between helping and interfering.

What's Your Expression Number?

2007-07-22T23:46:00.001+08:00

Your Life Path Number is 11

Your purpose in life is to inspire others

Your amazing energy draws people to you, and you give them great insight in return.

You hold a great amount of power over others, without even trying.

You have the makings of an inventor, artist, religious leader, or prophet.

In love, you are sensitive and passionate. You connect with your partner on a very deep level.

You have great abilities, but you are often way too critical of yourself.

You don't fit in - and instead of celebrating your differences, you dwell on them.

You have high expectations of yourself. But sometimes you set them too high and don't achieve anything.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

2007-07-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

2007-07-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

You Are A Little Snobby

And being a little snobby every once and a while is totally allowed.

Because if no one was ever snobby, no one would ever try to dress up or look pretty.

And while you do enjoy the finest things in life (that you can afford), you tire of superficiality.

You know there's more to life than what's just on the surface.

Are You a Snobby Girl?

2007-07-22T23:28:00.000+08:00

Your Superpower Should Be Manipulating Fire

You are intense, internally driven, and passionate.

Your emotions are unpredictable - and they often get the better of you.

Both radiant and terrifying, people are drawn to you.

At your most powerful, you feel like the world belongs to you.

Why you would be a good superhero: You are obsessive enough to give it your all

Your biggest problem as a superhero: Your moodiness would make it difficult to control your powers

What Should Your Superpower Be?

2007-07-21T15:53:00.000+08:00

You Are 72% Spoiled

You're pretty spoiled, but you probably don't think you're spoiled enough.

No doubt about it, you're living the good life. Maybe a little too good!

Are You Spoiled?

2007-07-21T15:50:00.001+08:00

You Don't Need a Man ... or Want One!

Generally, you're very happy being a single woman.

And anyone who has a problem with that... well, that's there problem.

Not that you wouldn't share your life with the almost perfect guy.

You simply won't settle though. Your life is too good to share with some substandard man!

Do You Need a Man?

2007-07-21T15:48:00.001+08:00

Men See You As: A Difficult Challenge

You must be an incredible hottie...

Because it's the only way you can pull of the ice queen act

You're the type of woman that men love to chase

But if you don't stop running, you'll never get caught!

Do Men Find You a Challenge?

2007-07-21T15:45:00.000+08:00

Your Love is Based on Affection

Your need for love is very primal and basic. You can't imagine living without love.

And for you, love is something that's best expressed through touch.

You're always up for a hug or a cuddle. And you feel a bit rejected when you don't get enough affection.

Whether you're sharing a blanket or sharing an order of fries, you thrive when you're close to the person you love.

Why your love can last: You express your love freely and frequently

Why your love can fail: You can come off as clingy, and this freaks people out

What Is Your Love Based On?